Moving Through…

For the first time in a really long while, I’m moving through heartache and heartbreak—and it doesn’t feel good. It’s reminding me why I had my walls up, my guards reinforced, and, most importantly, why the Most High has designed Her playbook the way She has. But more on that later.

Usually, I would keep this to myself and suffer in silence. But it’s a new year, and blogging—sharing my innermost thoughts through writing—was once very therapeutic for me. For years, it was my outlet. So, I’m picking it back up to see if it still holds that same power, because this mama is in need of healing and continued evolution.

So here we go.

I don’t like this. I hate what I’m about to go through. The tears. The burying of visions, dreams, and expectations I had. The thoughts that have run through my mind. The release of all the energy that was cultivated—the good and the bad. This sucks, and I never want to go through it again.

This is exactly why I put up my guards and walls. I told myself the last time this happened that I never wanted to feel this way again. But somehow, I allowed someone to infiltrate my heart.

“Move in love,” they say.
“Walk in love,” they say.
“Always, always love,” they say.

That mess is for the birds.

It completely negates the shadows, the dark side, and the protection that is sometimes necessary from “love.”

Or maybe…that’s where the rubber meets the road—because maybe it was never “love” in the first place.

Are there shadows in love when it’s real, pure, and aligned?
Is there ever a dark side to love when it’s divine?
Do we need protection from love—or is it attachment that we need protection from?

Was it ever really “love”? Or did I simply provide a service, an energy, something you weren’t getting—and so you attached yourself to me, and I to you? Was it just a mutual exchange of what we were both missing, and nothing more? But that can’t be it, at least not for me, because here I am, still loving you, still wanting you, still hoping despite the deception, the safekeeping, though I can see it all up and through social media. I’ve been here, still am here, carrying the same torch, with the same blazing fire that I did when I first fell. The hard part is you’re walking around as if I have no idea, as if I’m blind, not even realizing the level of grace I continually give out of love and I’m just watching, waiting, walking on eggshells for fear of “doing too much” “being too much” “overwhelming you.” You don’t value it and don’t see it or just refuse to you because of your own trauma. The fact that I’m writing this reaffirms that it’s authentic over in my streets.

So many questions run through my mind and the rabbit hole of thoughts continues. But then I remember.

I remember that I have chosen to sanctify my mothering journey, and I recognize that the Most High has sent me a divine anchor, a straightening rod for when I feel lost, confused, and uncertain—my daughter.

Whenever you need to understand something free from the contamination of this world, look to your children—especially if they are still young, like under-seven young.

Don’t know what love is? Look at your children. How do they love you? How do they innately, naturally show you love without even knowing what it is?

Unsure about forgiveness? Look at your children. How do they forgive you when you’ve wronged them? Yes, we do that as adults. How do they keep coming to you with arms wide open?

Wondering what does a truly honest, open person who truly cares and considers you and your heart looks like? Turn to your children. They have absolutely no filter and will spit the Truth in a second, without batting an eyelash. But they do it with love and sincerity. They will tell you your belly is bug while hugging and playing with it with so much love and admiration for the very thing they called out.

Struggling with authentic communication? Look at your children. Notice how they give gentle, respectful signals before their emotions spill over and they throw fits.

Wondering if someone truly wants you around? Look at your children. What do they do when they’re in the middle of their favorite activity, something they love, and you ask them for a hug? Do they ignore you? Make excuses? Or do they come to you, even begrudgingly?

Asking these questions and reflecting on my own personal divining rod—my daughter—brings me so much clarity.

If my daughter is in the middle of something she loves, like building with her magnetic tiles or collecting leaves and rocks, and we haven’t spent much time together that day because I’ve been tutoring, cleaning, or whatever-ing, she runs to me without hesitation and with the biggest smile on her face. She doesn’t put anyone before me.

If she’s cranky from her picky eating or refusing to take a nap, or if I ask her for a hug mid-play, she might sigh or grunt. But you know what? She still comes to me.

No matter what, she stops what she’s doing—what she loves, what she planned—to be there for me. Not because I force her. Not because I give her an ultimatum or threaten punishment.

She does it because it’s pure, unadulterated, divine, aligned love—free from attachment.

Children come here to show us divine truths in their purest forms. We need only to open our eyes and make the heart decisions to pivot when they show us the way—no matter how heartbreaking, bitter, or uncomfortable it may feel.

They love us authentically, naturally, and truly. We need to pay attention to that so we can recognize when others truly love us—and when they’re simply attached to us. This way, we can move in love, knowing what love truly is.

And everything I’m saying applies to your fertility, conception, pregnancy, birth, and postpartum journey.

Don’t let anyone attach themselves to you. Instead, cultivate the knowledge and space to welcome those who truly love you, who want to see you win, and who are there to support you. Who it is that is truly going to allow your birthing dreams, visions and time to unfold exactly as you would like and how it needs to. The same goes for your breastfeeding journey and how you Mother. We have to be intentional. We have to make efforts to know the vibration of, the frequency of authenticity, of undying, unwavering, unconditional support and true love.

We can’t move in love with just anyone. We weren’t designed for that. We must learn who we are meant to love and who loves us authentically. Only then can we move in love, vibrate in love, and be surrounded by love—for ourselves and our children.